Saying goodbye to friends and family is already hard enough. Saying goodbye with no return date makes it a little harder.
I'm typically the friend that’s the “hardest”, meaning I don’t easily share my emotions. That’s not always easy because I want my loved ones to know how much they mean to me. These chicas have been with me through it all, and while I leave them at “home”, I’ll be sending lots of pictures and videos to bring them along for the ride.
Saying goodbye to my mom and step-dad was ridiculous. They’ll never know how much it broke my heart, especially knowing that he was not in the best condition, but there’s something bigger happening—a realization:
I finally need to take care of me.
You Good? Can I do anything for you?
I am the definition of a people pleaser and chronic caretaker. If you ask me how I am: “I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything is just fine!” Well, everything is not as fine as it could be, but not as bad as it was.
I’ll tell you what, this is surprisingly easy to write, but how bout pushing that publish button? 😂
The Real Scoop
So here’s what they don’t know. There has been a few dark moments when I thought, “There’s no real purpose for me being here. What am I supposed to do? Why does it feel like the purpose of my entire being and existence is to make sure everyone else is fine? They can get that from anyone, they have spouses, kids and large families. I don’t need to be here.” Those weren’t vacation thoughts, folks. It was pitch black dark, The Black Hole, The Abyss. (that was such a good movie, wonder if it’s on Netflix or Hulu 🤔).They were the kind of thoughts you wonder how a person gets to. You ask yourself, “Where were her
people? How did it get this far?" Well, I’m no expert and this is only my experience, but I’m gonna say it’s the folks like myself who would rather deal with their problems and emotions alone. Problem with that is, it makes it sooo much easier to not deal with any of it.
I think not having something to look forward to will do that. Now, don’t get me wrong, being my kid’s mother and best friend to my besties, a sister to my favorite person and my Mo’me’s daughter are all great. When I’m able to be there for them and make sure they are okay, whether it’s needing someone to talk to or to just have someone to sit with for a moment or kick it and drink- all those things bring me great joy. I told you, that is what I am here for, but it’s the in-between that’ll get you.
Then there’s my clients. Oh, did I mention I am a massage therapist? I have been for around six years and I love that too. I have been blessed with the best clients. My kid even refers to one of them as my best friend. She and I talk the whole session and we have the best time when I’m there. The thing about me, as an L.M.T (Licensed Massage Therapist), is I connect deeply with my clients and yes I ground myself, but after a client I need a meal and nap. I am willing to give all the positive energy I have in a session with my clients, because the point is to leave them better than before I came. So, giving my all including my energy is a no brainer, but when I don’t have clients and when no one needs me for anything, that’s when I start to feel pointless. I don’t know how else to describe it.
So here I am learning how to fill the in-between, learning what I need, and I know I won’t find that outwardly, like talking about it with friends and family, but I may need a therapist. Actually, I believe after the recent passing of my step-father that has been the consensus.There’s nothing in a store I can buy, because I don’t really want anything (but I do need to do some modifications on my car for this roadtrip). I hate trying to express this to the very folks I want to keep happy.
Do Better or Different or Something!!
I wallowed in thoughts like that for maybe a couple months, but then decided I needed something of my own to look forward to. That was the end of watching all the millions of #vanlife, #rvlife, #SUVanlife videos and the beginning of figuring out my way to go, do, and see as they say.
I announced to my kiddo that I would be leaving in 2021 with no return date, and the goal was to travel the world. I’ve decided that a great start would be in my own backyard (Texas) and you can find those adventures on my Instagram.
Then wouldn’t you know, the damn Mitsubishi Montero broke down and basically the entire front end, ya know all the parts that make it go, would need to be replaced. I loved that thing, it’s been in the family almost 20 years and if I had more knowledge of
mechanics or knew a mechanic that wouldn’t b.s. me, I’d definitely take on the project, but I didn’t have that kind of time and I needed a daily driver for work at the time. So, two tears in a bucket, I bought a Hyundai Santa Fe and started loading that shit up. Me, a measuring tape, lots of paper drawings and Amazon have been besties since October 2020 -- the year of the Plague.
Having something to look forward to has honestly helped tremendously. It has brought me at least to a place within myself where I feel like there’s more to life and I’m finally gonna get to see it. This is a journey of healing and self-discovery and I plan to document it because it may touch someone and the feelings that they are also trying to shove down. Yes, this is for all my peeps who pass the self care posts and vlogs and say to themselves, “That’s cool baby...” (in my John Travolta voice from Grease). I’m going to drive the scenic byways and see the parts of the country that are just a little offroad.
And that’s real damn exciting.